DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK my wife is taking me for a fool, pretending to play happy families while she carries on with her ex.
She says she’s just helping him out as a friend, but I’m certain they’re having an affair.
I’m 32 and my wife is 29. We’ve been married for two years.
Everything was great until her ex-boyfriend from college, who is 30, contacted her on social media.
She’d told me he’d treated her badly and broken her heart, so I was surprised she seemed happy to hear from him again.
At first, they’d just message each other. But then she started talking to him on the phone and meeting him for coffee.
She told me it was all innocent. Apparently, he’s been going through a hard time since he split with his partner, and she is helping him sort things out.
She says he’s depressed and doesn’t have any friends apart from her.
Now, she’s begun going round to his place once a week or so. She’s always gone for at least two hours.
When I said I wasn’t happy about it, she got angry and said I should trust her.
She even accused me of being heartless because he isn’t well.
But sometimes, when she comes back, she smells fresh, like she’s had a shower.
Once, she even showed me a new, sexy dress she’d bought when they went out shopping together.
She said she got it because she wanted to look good for me — yet she’d tried it on in front of him.
When I tried to access her messages, I found she’d changed her passcode.
I spoke to one of my old mates about this, and he says I’m being cuckolded and need to put my foot down.
But sometimes, when we’re at home together, things are really good.
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She tells me how much she loves me and how she wants to start trying for a baby.
I’m so confused. Am I being unfair or is her behaviour unreasonable?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Whether or not she is cheating, your wife is not treating you fairly.
She’s prioritising her friend over you, acting suspiciously and shutting you out.
When you question her behaviour, she responds by gaslighting you – making you feel you’re the one at fault. That’s why you’re feeling so confused.
She needs to be honest with you and to consider your feelings.
Get her at a calm moment and tell her how unhappy you are. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
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She needs to understand that marriage is a partnership and that means not hiding things from each other.
You might benefit from some relationship counselling – alone or together. Try tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) who have online help available.
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