Engaged woman wonders if she should dump fiancé for strip club stag do

Woman asks if it’s ‘unreasonable’ to leave her fiancé after he went to a strip club on his stag do and paid for private dances – and only came clean when she noticed money missing from their joint account

  • The woman had told her fiancé that she didn’t want him to go to a strip club
  • She found out he had after he used money from joint account to pay dancers
  • Now the woman is wondering whether she should end her six-year relationship
  • Responses are mixed, some say it’s no big deal, others say she should dump him 

An engaged woman has sparked fierce debate on Mumsnet after asking whether she should cancel her wedding and dump her fiancé for going to a strip club during his stag do.

The anonymous writer, thought to be from the UK, revealed in a post that she had already made it clear to her partner that going to a strip club would be a ‘dealbreaker’ for her.

She only discovered he had been to one when the pair saw that money had gone from their joint account.  

He explained his actions by saying his friends had pressured him into it but he hadn’t really wanted to go.

However she later discovered he had paid for private dances and found a white stain in his pants – suggesting he might have enjoyed himself. 

The poster (not pictured) asked Mumsnet users whether they thought she should cancel her wedding and break up with her partner of six years after he went to a strip club

The Mumsnet user asked for advice on whether or not she should end her six-year relationship after discovering her partner had gone to a strip club for his stag do 

The poster wrote: ‘Last night my fiancé had his stag do and throughout our six year relationship, I have told him that going to a strip club etc would be a dealbreaker for me. 

‘He promised he wouldn’t go to one. This morning we woke up and he looked at our joint account to see that £240 had come out of our account. 

‘At first he thought someone had stolen his card and fraudulently used it, hence he rang the fraud prevention line of our bank. After speaking with them, he then realised what it was for.

‘He then told me what had happened and that he really didn’t want to go but was pressured by the other stags. He also said he was fairly drunk also so can’t remember much of what went on. I am so upset, devastated and hurt and feel I can’t move past this?’

According to the post, the woman rang the club to get ‘an exact breakdown of the monies paid’. She was told that her fiancé had paid for ‘two six minute dances with two girls in the main area of the club and then went further to have another two private dances with the same girls at 10 minutes each’.

She wrote: ‘I feel if he really didn’t want to go there, why would he have paid for four dances, two of which were private. 

‘I then checked his underwear this morning and there was a small white stain, so I feel he got off on the dances. To me that is borderline cheating. He adamantly denies he did but then said he can’t remember what happened so how can I trust him?’

The poster received mixed responses from Mumsnet users. Some felt that as she had told her partner that going to a strip club was a dealbreaker,  she had no choice but to end the union, with one writing: ‘If you want to dump him, go ahead.

‘If it was a dealbreaker then I don’t understand why you’re even asking? If he believes you he may well have wanted to be dumped. If it isn’t, then don’t bother saying it just to control him. He’ll never take you seriously again.’

 

 

 

 

Some respondents felt that the woman should break up with her partner, as he knew visiting a strip club was a dealbreaker

A number of people said the woman should do what she wants – and shouldn’t have to ask a forum. One respondent said: ‘You can end a relationship when you want, you don’t need permission. He knew in advance that was a deal-breaker for you and still went, I’d let that inform your decision.’

Another added: ‘He knew it was a dealbreaker and did it anyway. Now trust is lost. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, it’s about how you feel. I don’t buy into the being forced narrative either, he’s a grown man and made his decision. Now it’s up to you whether you can live with it, and it’s OK if you can’t.’

And one wrote: ‘The trust has gone. And you can’t have a happy relationship without it. However, I think by posting on here you want to be talked into staying with him, that it wasn’t so bad, a one off etc etc. 

‘Be honest with yourself, if you wish you hadn’t made the ultimatum then stay with him. But the trust has still gone.’ 

Others were cynical about the strip club sharing the payment details, with one Mumsnetter saying: ‘I’m amazed a strip club gave you a breakdown of his spending there.

A few posters felt the club shouldn’t have told the woman about what her partner had spent the £240 on during his stag 

‘Anyway, crack on. Sounds like you are not compatible. Sell the house, chuck him back in the pond and go fishing for the next one.’

Another added: ‘How did you get a breakdown of the payment? The strip club surely should not give that? I agree if you’re checking his underwear, the relationship is totally over. Don’t go ahead with the wedding. 

‘I presume it’s pretty soon the wedding, if he was on his stag? Not nice to deal with, but be strong.’          

Some felt the woman was overreacting, with a poster writing: ‘Calm down poppet. It was a stag night, drink and a group of rowdy friends can cloud any man or woman’ judgement. 

‘He’s probably best off without you if you think he should be ditched over this one evening. Straw poll of the office and both men and women unanimously support my view.’  

 

 Some posters felt that a single night out was not enough to end a relationship over – with one even suggesting that the original poster was overreacting

But despite the fiancé’s actions, many forum users felt that it was not worth ending the relationship over, with one saying: ‘I personally wouldn’t jeopardise a 6 year relationship over one night but he knew it was a dealbreaker. 

‘FWIW [for what it’s worth] £240 doesn’t sound like a lot for a strip club so I doubt your partner indulged much at all.’

Another said: ‘God, stag dos are so juvenile. But peer pressure is strong “hey, sorry guys, my Mrs wouldn’t approve of me doing this” goes down like a ton of bricks among mates after 5 pints. 

‘The easier way is if you just say “not my thing, let’s keep drinking at home/club etc”. But again, there’s this silly need to “act out” on a stag do which has to be “outrageous” or “crazy” for it to be deemed a good time. 

‘If all is swell and you’re fairly certain it was his mates who dragged him there rather than him fulfilling some fantasy, I’d definitely give him a pass.’ 

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